Reducing Emotional Vulnerability

It may seem like a no-brainer that people need to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually in order to have a life worth living.  Yet how often do we ignore our basic needs?  As a female who grew up in a patriarchal culture I was taught to feel shame around putting myself first when I needed to do so.  I thought I couldn't say "sorry, make your own dinner, I need to rest."  It just wasn't lady-like.  Instead, I was unconsciously expected others to take care of me in the way they saw fit.

Learning and teaching the DBT skills has given me permission to let go of this old conditioning that demanded that I ignore my needs and feelings.  I've learned that, as an adult, my first responsibility is to stop expecting that other people will magically be aware of and then take care of my needs, and instead, take charge of my own well-being.  In the DBT skills training module titled "Emotion Regulation" one skill that is discussed is reducing emotional vulnerability.  When we actively attend to our own needs on a daily basis we become more resilient to stress and we have more to offer the world because we aren't driving on an empty tank.

Linehan summarizes the skills used to reduce emotional vulnerability using the acronym PLEASE MASTER.  Needless to say, the acronym itself has generated lots of laughs in DBT groups I've facilitated.  Each letter represents a particular self-care skill that we must pay attention to if we want to be at our best.

When I notice that I am feeling "off" the first thing I do is check in with myself regarding the PLEASE MASTER skills.  Have I treated any physical illness (PL)?  Have I gotten enough exercise lately (E)?  Am I well-rested (S) and have I been eating right (E)?  Finally, have I been engaging in mastery activities (MASTER) that help me to feel competent or creative?

Invariably, when I'm having a tough day I can go back and look at these elements and realize that I've been slacking somewhere.  Last night I got home and realized that I'd only eaten a bowl of soup the entire day, and that I was running on four hours sleep.  Not a pretty picture.  So I stepped out and picked up a quesadilla, came home, got into bed, and ate it while watching my favorite TV program.  Then I promptly fell asleep.  This is certainly not a scenario that my mother would have approved of, but I felt really good about identifying my own needs, then taking care of them.  Kinda grown-up and responsible.